The Writers Must Be Crazy
by Eternal Retrospect
Summary: The world has gone mad, and the only way to stop it is to confront the ones who have made it so… and destroy them. However, with only two people remaining completely sane, this is going to be something of a challenge…
1. And So It Begins

**A/N: Welcome to my newest project. This one is… "special".**

**There are some things I don't write or read. They push my squick buttons, make me cringe, and keep me from precious hours of sleep. That's not to say that fics containing such material are _bad_; it's just a matter of personal preference.**

**Nevertheless, I have put up a notice in my profile stating that I accept prompts, requests, and challenges, and by golly, I'm going to do just that. I r****ecently received a request for a fic which… is not something I would normally write. However, the reviewer who requested it has been an amazing fan and, in light of my discontinuing one fic, I'm willing to sacrifice our own preferences for her.**

**The problem, however, was that what I ended up writing turned out to be a far cry from _serious_…**

**_Summary:_ The world has gone mad, and the only way to stop it is to confront the ones who have made it so… and destroy them. However, with only two people completely sane (at least, sane by _their _standards), this is going to be something of a challenge…**

**_Warnings: Rated T for: _sexual themes, no-forth-wall, some deliberate OOC, parody, reference to MPreg, making fun of Mary Sues, cross-dressing, moderate language, reference to rape, yaoi, mild violence, spoilers for _Another Note._**

**…It sounds worse than it is. Trust us. ;)**

**_Pairings:_ L/Light, one-sided Mello/Matt, reference to everyone/Near, possibly more**

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The Writers Must Be Crazy

Chapter One: And So It Begins

"_The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless."  
__- Nicholas Chamfort_

The Kira case continued as usual. It had fallen into a state of monotony, uncovering one tiny hint at a time but really getting nowhere. The investigation team had plenty of time to relax. L and Light had plenty of time to argue. All was well.

And then all Hell broke loose.

In retrospect, it started out innocently enough, with one Light Yagami singing in the shower. The singing, in and of itself, was no cause for alarm. Light was generally a happy person (when he wasn't plotting against L and muttering "Just as planned", at least), and he was prone to bursting into little bits of song now and then.

But what was odd about this was the song he had chosen to sing. It was not "Someday You'll Be Dead" or "They're Coming to Take Me Away", but rather, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!".

"_The best thing about being a woman; is the prerogative to have a little funnnn!_"

His voice soared to all new heights, and Matsuda cringed and groaned, clapping his hands over his ears. He was already experiencing what was possibly the worst headache ever to descend upon mankind as a result of a hangover, and also due to the fact that his somewhat-limited mind power was already exerted from trying to remember the events of last night without much success. He knew only one thing: he had woken up alone, which meant that the entire affair had _not_ been worth it.

"Morning, sunshine!" L chirped brightly as he skipped down the stairs.

Matsuda shot him a glare which could have vulcanized rubber, then muttered, "Hey." Had he been a more attentive individual, he would likely have noticed that it was very bizarre to see L skipping… but, being the way he was, he noticed nothing of the sort.

"Matsuda-san, are you, like, okay? I mean, you look all grody and like, _yuck_."

"I'm fi- why are your talking like that?"

"Like what, pumpkin?"

Matsuda raised an eyebrow. "…Pumpkin?"

L never got a chance to answer, as it was at that moment that Mogi walked into the room. "Good morning, Ryuuzaki… Matsuda." Pause. "How did everything turn out last night? I was otherwise occupied."

In response, L's eyes grew distant and a dreamy look came over his face. "It was the most wonderful evening of my life. Everything was _perfect_."

"What's wrong with your eyes?" Matsuda demanded. "They just got little hearts in them-"

"Well, I'm glad everything has worked out so well for you, Ryuuzaki. I'm sure that Light is equally thrilled over your… ah… _interactions_… last night."

Matsuda choked on the coffee he had been drinking. "What?" he managed the splutter in horror. "_What_ happened-?"

"Oh, Matsuda-san, you know I'm not one to kiss and tell," L said with a wink.

It was at that moment that Matsuda became convinced that his colleagues were playing a _very _poor joke on him. "I have a headache, you two," he growled. "Save this for another day, alright?"

"I don't know what he's talking about, either," Mogi said in response to the unspoken question. "Matsuda, are you feeling alright?"

"No, I feel like sh-"

"_Shmoopie_!" The ear-shattering shriek from Light as he raced into the room cut off the rest of that sentence. Matsuda watched in silent horror as the teenager flung himself at L in a tackle hug, which, oddly enough, seemed to fall into slow motion for a moment.

The next minute they were on the floor - out of sight, but not necessarily out of mind.

"Well, doesn't _this_ look familiar…"

"You make me wanna…"

"Lala… in the kitchen, on the floor-"

Matsuda couldn't suppress the involuntary gag reaction that this summoned up. "You're _kidding_ me, right?"

Light reappeared from where he had vanished behind the table, his still damp hair slightly mussed. "You don't understand our love."

"…I feel like I just stumbled into a really bad fanfic."

* * *

This feeling only amplified as the day progressed. Not only had the horror which was yaoi been visited upon them, but the rest of the task force suddenly seemed entirely devoid of all personality. Aizawa, for example, spent the entire morning staring out the window and muttering, "I'm sure we'll catch him eventually."

"What does that even _mean_?" Matsuda finally snapped. "You're not even making any-"

The phone rang, and he abruptly fell silent. He'd learned long ago that if he spoke while L was on the phone, he would be subjected to the _Icy-Glare-of-Doom_ for the rest of the day.

The phone rang again.

"Ryuuzaki, are you going to get- oh." He again broke off, blushing this time, as a glance over his shoulder confirmed that the detective was occupied with something else, namely pinning Light onto the sofa and kissing him passionately. Matsuda cringed (not for the first time that day) before answering the phone. "Hello?"

"Er… L?"

"Touta Matsuda. Ryuuzaki… er… he can't come to the phone right now."

There was a pause and what sounded like a violent curse in the background. "It's happening there, too, huh?"

"What's happening?"

"Everyone's… acting weird. Like they're starring in a yaoi fanfiction… written by someone who never actually watched the show."

Matsuda glanced over his shoulder and cringed. "Yeah, that's about it… Hey, how did you know? Who are you?"

"Call me Matt. I… work for L. And I know because the exact same thing is happening where I am."

"So… it's _not_ just an tasteless prank?"

"Doesn't look like it."

Matsuda cringed. That was what he'd been worried about. "How do we stop it?"

"Well, most of the time, zombies can be taken out with a simple bullet to the head…"

"Zombies?"

"You never know."

"…I'm _not _going to shoot anyone in the head because of this."

"Well, that's worst case scenario only. Look, maybe we should meet to discuss this… it's… pretty bad over here. Where are you?"

Matsuda hesitated. Coincidences aside, he had no idea who this guy was. He claimed to work for L, but there wasn't any actual proof of that fact. "One second," he muttered, and once again looked over his shoulder. "Ryuuzaki, do you know someone named Matt?"

L paused in the process of unbuttoning Light's shirt and glanced up. "Why?"

Matsuda held up the phone. "He claims he works for you."

For a guy who usually moved slower than a yoga instructor on a hot day, L could pick up his pace considerably if so motivated. "Matt-kun?" he said into the phone he was suddenly holding. Matsuda blinked and sighed hugely. He'd given up on expecting anything remotely resembling manners from L. "Why are you calling me? Are you alright? …No; this is a very dangerous investigation, Matt-kun; I don't want you getting mixed up in it… What could possibly be _that_important?" There was a long pause, then he blinked and held out the phone to Matsuda again. "He wants to talk to you, princess."

Well, there was a shock. _Not _being pushed into the background as usual… He took the phone.

"You convinced yet?" Matt sighed.

"Yeah…"

After another moment's hesitation, he began detailing their location, and was halfway through the a street address when Matt suddenly cut in, "Shh!"

"What?"

"I think there's someone else on the line."

They both paused, waiting, hardly breathing. It seemed that it was merely paranoia for a long minute, until, suddenly-

"_Kyahahaha!_" And the sound of a phone being slammed down into its receiver.

"Well, that was faintly ominous," Matt sighed. "I'll be over there some time tonight. Just… lock the doors… and try to keep anyone from doing something they'll regret."

* * *

As was true for many things, this turned out to be easier said than done, complicated by the fact that he seemed to be the only sane one in the building, and thus, everyone else was suddenly looking at him as if he should be in butterfly nets for even _suggesting_ that they try to get some work done.

The irony was not lost to him.

Despite the fact that it was a futile attempt, he kept with it for most of the day, and it was around seven o'clock when he finally gave up, allowed L and Light to wander off alone (he tried not to think about it), and permitted the rest of the group to fall into an almost catatonic silence.

It was, unfortunately, at about this time that the power abruptly went out.

In the few seconds of silence which followed, Aizawa's deadpan voice was more audible than ever: "Oh, don't worry, we'll catch him eventually."

Matsuda growled and rolled his eyes, then proceeded to wait for the backup generators to kick in.

No such luck.

Which meant that the power outage didn't have natural causes…

A bit of fumbling around in the dark and a few bruises later, he managed to locate a flashlight under L's usual desk (what did the guy _do _under there, anyway?), and flicked it on. The beam was strong and bright, which Matsuda was certain would have brought about a derogatory comment about how it was his exact opposite if the rest of the team had been in their normal state of mind.

If there was no power… then there were no security cameras or alarms. If there were no security cameras or alarms, that meant that Kira could be sneaking in here right now, fully intent on killing them off one by one in the darkness.

Before he panicked too much, Matsuda reminded himself that Kira would need a flashlight to see his way through the building… though, at this point, he would not have been surprised if it had suddenly been revealed that Kira could see in the dark.

Or it could turn out to be a crappy _Silence of the Lambs _plot twist anytime now. Once again, not too surprising.

Urgh… he'd better turn the power on again. But _hell_ if he was going alone…

"Mogi?"

No reply. Mogi blinked as though he couldn't quite understand his own name. It was as if his already limited personality had been removed…

"This is _really_ freaking me out."

_Alright, take a deep breath. You've got this. Just… go turn on the power again. Nothing to be worried about… Although rule number nine on How to Survive a Horror Movie specifically states not to go down to the basement after the power has just gone out… __And certainly not alone. __And not if you're the annoying guy who no one likes._

"I'm going to die," he determined grimly, but took a deep breath and checked to ensure that the batteries in his flashlight were new and wouldn't go out at an inconvenient time. Then, still trying to calm his nerves, he ventured out into the hallway.

He was fully expecting to be attacked by a dark and mysterious figure, and he wasn't disappointed. Nor did he have to wait very long.

Said dark figure hurled out of nowhere, knocking the young officer to the ground in record time. He felt something cold and sharp pressed to his throat, and the wildly spinning beam of the flashlight revealed the culprit to be-

"Ryuuzaki? What the _hell _are you doing?"

"Currently… contemplating how best to torture and kill you." He broke into a grin. "_Kyahahaha!_"

Oh… shit.

He had a feeling this was _not_ L.

Fortunately, he was saved from said torture and death when a Nintendo DS suddenly flew out of the darkness, striking the L look-alike squarely in the forehead. He looked confused for a moment before toppling over, unconscious.

"Epic pwnage," chuckled a voice. Matsuda found a flashlight beam directed at his face. "You okay?"

He blinked furiously and got to his feet. "Er… yeah… are you Matt?"

There was a dim red flare in the darkness, as if from a cigarette. "Yep. Hey, you wanna hand me my DS?"

* * *

"So you said that you work for L?" Matsuda asked, unable to keep the suspicion out of his voice. The guy just didn't _look _like the sort of person L would associate with. To top off the large, orange, goggle-like glasses and black leather gloves, he was wearing the most horrific red-and-black sweater imaginable. And he had game controllers protruding from his pockets.

Matt finished tying the still unconscious look-alike to a chair. "Well… sort of. More like I work… and L knows me."

"Oh?" He would have questioned him further, but didn't have a chance, as the sound of muffled conversation from the hall interrupted.

"Well, would you look at that! The lights are out! I never would have anticipated this plot twist! I bet we aren't in any danger at all!"

"Please don't rape me!"

"Both of you, shut the hell up!"

Matt sighed hugely and went to the door, drawing it open, and called out into the hall, "I told you three to stay in the ca- Mello, why the hell are you wearing that?"

"What?"

"What do you _think_? The dress, dumbass!"

"I'm expressing myself."

"You look like a woman!"

"I _feel_ like a woman."

Matt slammed the door shut, looking mildly panicked. "Its gotten worse," he muttered. "This morning it was just lipstick, and now…"

"Look," Matsuda said, "I've been forced to watch L and Light making out all day. Nothing could possibly scar me for life worse than that."

"Oh, you think so?" He flung the door open again and the three figures from the hall trailed inside. "Matsuda, this is Roger, Near - Near, you can walk? Why'd you let us carry you onto the plane…? Oh well… - and… _Mello_…"

And… Mello was wearing _The Dress_. Gothic Lolita styled. Black, with lace, frills, and crisscrossing ribbons, topped off with white stockings and a matching frilly headdress.

Matsuda realized he was staring and once again fell into violent blushing. "…I need to gouge out my eyes."

"Sorry, dude," Matt said. "You cannot unsee what has already been seen. It's a rule."

He hung his head.

"So why's L all tied up?" Mello put in, taking a loud bite of chocolate. The sound echoed in the quiet room.

"It's not L," Matt said. "Look at his arms - they're all burned. I think _this_ is our old friend… Beyond Birthday."

"…That's his _name_?"

"Oh, an evil look-alike! I _never _world have foreseen this!" chirped Roger.

Matsuda had originally thought the guy was being sarcastic, but it was slowly becoming apparent that he was just dumb. "What's wrong with him?" he asked with a gesture in Roger's direction.

"I think he went Genre-blind. I mean, most fanfictions make him out to be a total fudging idiot, and now he actually is." Matt adjusted his glasses. "Which brings us beck to the root of the problem… what the hell is going on here."

"I don't think anything is going on here, Matty," Mello said, brushing off his skirt. "Everything seems normal enough to me."

"You see? They don't notice anything weird. And trust me, Mello does _not _cross-dress."

"I'm _expressing_ myself."

Matt rolled his eyes and ignored him. "You see what I mean? I think that's what's going on here. We're in a really bad, generic fanfiction. They made Roger an idiot, Mello a cross-dresser, and Near… well, Near seems to think that everyone is going to rape him." Aforementioned genius twitched slightly and edged away from Mello as if in mortal fear. "Doesn't this sound a little _strange _to you?"

Glancing around the room, Matsuda nodded. "And the rest of the taskforce turned into mindless machines… and L and Light… well, we knew _Light _was a little off, but L…"

"Yeah… it's definitely a sucky fanfic."

"But… wait… this is _weird_…"

"I'll say."

"No, I mean… our writers, those two girls… they're usually pretty sane. Yaoi fangirls, true, but… this is full-on weird."

"Maybe they had a change of heart," Matt proposed with a shrug.

"Or maybe they've been kidnapped by another writer. A fangirl even crazier than they are… who has now hijacked what started out as a normal story and begun twisting it in all variety of horrible ways."

There was a pause, then, "Dude… suxor."

Matsuda assumed that this was a confirmation that his theory could be correct, and allowed himself a small smile. Finally, someone in the world _agreed _with him…

His joy was short-lived, as it always was. Light chose that moment to burst into the room, shouting, "!111!"

"What's with all the ones?"

"Dude… slow down. And enough with the caps-rape."

At this, Near burst into tears, but was, predictably, ignored. "L," Light said again, a bit more slowly. "He was taken captive by an evil dragon!"

Matsuda could feel the beginnings of a nervous twitch. "Oh, _please_ tell me you're kidding…"

"I'm not! And the dragon left a map for us to follow to the Magical Tower of Deathly Fire!"

"Why would a dragon go through all that trouble and then leave a m- _there's no such thing as dragons!_"

"Let me see this map," Matt interrupted, holding out his hand.

Upon inspection, it became apparent that the map looked like something which a four-year-old had drawn in black crayon, and proceeded to roll through a pile of ash.

"Well, it's authentic," assessed Matt, nodding his head gravely. "There's a definite indication of a Magical Tower of Deathly Fire right about… here."

"So… let me get this straight… the writers are being held captive while some even _crazier_ fangirl takes over… And L has been kidnapped by an evil dragon…" Matsuda trailed off. It was just too ridiculous.

"We _have_ to go rescue L," Light insisted, looking tearful.

Sigh. "Yeah… but there's also the problem of fixing the rest of the story by freeing the original writers… which to do first?"

"Dude," Matt put in, "we could split up. I mean… I could keep one group sane while you take care of the rest of them."

"Oh, splitting up!" said Roger, beaming. "That's always the best idea!"

"…I'm beginning to hate that guy."

* * *

**A/N: Yes… _and so it begins_. **

**Speaking of requests/challenges/prompts, the offer still stands. I promise that no other requests will turn out as silly as this one… unless me want us to. ;D Just drop me a line. :)**


	2. Strange Encounters of the Nerd Kind

**A/N: Ireally, really love everyone who has reviewed. In a non-stalkerish way, of course. You make me feel special. Have some chocolate. :-)**

**Warning… lots of scene breaks this chapter. It'll slow down in the next one. Promise. Also, apoligies in advance for any possible spelling errors. Most of this was written in a hospital storage room at four in the morning. (It's a long story; you'll be happier if you don't know...)**

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Chapter Two: Strange Encounters of the Nerd Kind

"_My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."  
-Douglas Adams_

Matsuda wasn't sure exactly what would be needed for an epic journey to free the writers, but he had the faint inclination that he might need a lot of clothes. Some searching around headquarters produced seven shirts, twelve pairs of socks, and no pants or underwear.

Yeah… this was _not_ going to be pretty.

On the other hand, it seemed that Matt was having no trouble assembling exactly what was needed for his own quest. Where exactly he had found a sword was a mystery, but Matsuda dismissed it as a plot device and didn't comment.

"So…" he began upon joining the gamer in a pantry raid, "why is it that we haven't been… you know… _affected_ by this writer?"

"I have just as much information as you do." Pause. "So… you wanna take Beyond with your group?"

"He tried to kill me."

"Well, make sure he takes his medication, you won't even be able to tell he has a problem."

"…Can't we just tie him up and leave him here?"

"No. Because when he breaks out - and it's inevitable, he _will _- he'll just be pissed off."

"I don't know, he seems pretty mad already…"

"Call him L. I think that calms him down."

"And what if it doesn't?"

"Then you pray."

They returned to the main room, Matsuda tripping over a computer in the process.

"Alright then… you, Romeo-" Matt gestured vaguely to Light, who was still sniffling about how unfair life was, "you're coming with me. Mello, Near you too. Roger you're going with him…" He jerked his head at Matsuda, "and so is B."

"You definitely have more people than I do," Matsuda pointed out.

"You're complaining? Even one of these guys are migraine material."

"Yeah, but you left me with Psychopath and Genre-blind. I'm pretty much screwed if we run into anything dangerous."

"Then take someone from the taskforce with you."

"…Actually, never mind. I'm good."

Matt nodded briefly. "Right. Well, best wake up B, then. Everyone have weapons and armor equipped? Good. Let's head out."

"Our _what _equipped…?"

"Don't ask."

* * *

The dawn was cold and foggy. Luminous veils of mist lay motionless in the deeper hollows where the departing night was discarding them. Buildings a hundred feet away faded to shadows in the white mist.

"Why can't we just take a car?" Light whined from the back of the procession. "It'd be faster… and easier…"

"We're on a magical quest, dumbass. We need the challenge of walking miles upon miles through dangerous terrain everyday. Otherwise there's no plot, and the entire deal gets thrown out in postproduction."

"Matt, we're in a city," Mello pointed out. "I don't think we have _that_ much walking to do…"

After a moment of consulting the map, Matt shook his head. "This clearly indicates that the Magical Tower of Deathly Fire is _outside _of the city, over the Malicious Mountains, through the Forsaken Forest, over the Bridge of Blood and across the Pit of Pestilence."

"…I bet the other group is taking a car."

* * *

"What did you do to the car, Beyon- _L_?"

B directed his unnerving red gaze at him, head tilted at a curious angle. "You assume it was me."

"You're covered in oil!" Matsuda flared.

"Oh, yes. Nothing a little bleach won't fix."

"So what did you do to the car? Why won't it start?"

"Honestly, I don't feel inclined to answer you. You knocked me unconscious and tied me to a chair; and now you're dragging me along on this… quest?"

"You attacked me!"

"All in good fun."

"With a _knife_!"

B sighed as if this reminder were somehow immensely annoying. "I _knew_ you'd bring that up."

"Well, it is sort of impor- you know, never mind that, just fix the car!"

"All this talk of quests… I'm beginning to think that you're in no condition to drive, _Matsuda-san_."

They stared at each other. Matsuda usually wasn't one to be provoked to violence, and attacking B didn't seem to be a good idea considering the guy's previous tendencies, but he was sorely tempted.

It was a loosing battle. He took a deep breath, and got out of the car, slamming the door shut. "Alright. We'll walk. Happy now?"

"Not particularly," B said with a shrug, trailing along after him.

Roger piped up with, "Would you look at that! Hardships on our very first step of the journey! Whoa-ho, it's unpredictable already! Splendid!"

* * *

Since Matt had detailed the various locations described on the map, Near had fallen into a sullen silence which went far beyond the "helpless-rape-victim" silence he had maintained until that point. Or maybe it was his usual "brooding-genius-here-leave-me-alone" silence. It was difficult to tell. All the same, Matt made a valiant effort to cheer him up.

"C'mon, Near, it's not that bad," he insisted. "I mean, sure, we have to transverse perilous terrain and a lot of places with really creepy, ominous names… and we have to slay a reputedly evil dragon… but that's pretty much whatever, you know? The important thing is the power of friendship and love, and… all that other stuff. It's not like we'll be gone forever."

Near looked at him miserably, as if he were quite certain they would be gone forever.

"B… I mean… _L_… whatever your name is… Did you by any chance eat everything I had packed, aside from the chicken soup and beef jerky?"

"I really don't want to answer that question."

"Why?"

"Because no matter how I answer, I'm a bad person."

"…Just one way, really."

"Okay, let's say yes, I did eat everything other than the chicken soup and beef jerky… then, in your eyes I'm a bad person."

Matsuda raised an eyebrow. "…And the other way?"

"If I say no, I didn't eat everything aside from the chicken soup and beef jerky… then I'm the guy who ate everything aside from the chicken soup and beef jerky and then lied about it."

Matsuda refrained from heaving a sigh with great difficulty. "Why would you do that?"

"I was hungry. Ran out of jam."

"Well, you ate about enough to feed a family of ten, or three very stoned teenagers."

"That seems about right. I feel kind of sick now."

Roger interrupted with a broad grin. "It's okay; we're only going to be out here a couple of days, right? We've got enough food for that long… and if worst comes to worst, we can always live off the country!"

Matsuda looked around. A tumbleweed rolled by in a chilly wind. The country didn't seem very edible.

Meanwhile, B was gazing up at the darkening sky. "Hey, look, storm clouds… well, I think they're going in the opposite direction… which is pretty much good news, right?"

The opposite direction, as it happened, was right about where Matt's small group had ended up for the night.

"Well," he muttered, shielding the map from the downpour, "I think we're in the Malicious Mountains right about now."

"That's fitting," Mello said through chattering teeth. "Please tell me that map of yours shows a hotel somewhere around here."

"Doesn't look like it. There is a Cave of Catastrophe a little farther up this path, though… not that that's the best ide-"

"Great," Light interrupted. "This rain is killing my hair and I'm almost out of peach-scented shampoo."

Matt trailed along after him. "Well, I know, but… Cave of Catastrophe? Doesn't that sound a little…"

"Clichéd?" Mello supplied.

"Well, that too, but-"

"Hey, looks like we found it. A totally inconspicuous cave. I bet no one dwells in the depths of this! And _certainly _no one who would be very unpleased if we stayed the night here…"

"Ah… maybe we should stay the night somewhere else," Matt began, but as usual, he was ignored, and the rest of the group went charging in.

* * *

"-and that's my plan!" B announced, eyes glinting excitedly in the firelight.

Matsuda raised an eyebrow. "But you didn't tell me anything. You just walked up and said 'and that's my plan'."

"Or we could just submerge the writer in a vat of flesh eating acid and hope for the best. Now, which method sounds easier to you?"

"…I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking now."

"Well, I, for one, agree with B," said Roger.

"What a shock. Roger, you don't even know what the hell he's talking about!"

"Yes - and that's _exactly _why I'm a qualified decision maker."

* * *

Matt wasn't fully aware that he had in fact, slept, but he was brought sharply back to consciousness when there was a sudden grating noise to indicate that a secret passageway was drawing open at the back of the cave. The iridescent eyes of goblins emerged from the shadows, drawing nearer. There was a hideous snarling and growling, along with guttural laugher.

"Well, this is gonna suck," he sighed, and promptly resigned to do nothing. After all, the heroes never rotted to death in goblin caves when there was a princess to be saved.

And pretty much the same thing have happened in The Hobbit. And that had turned out alright in the end. At least, once they got past the goblins… Gollum… goblins again… magical elves… spiders… dragon… and then they still had that all-corrupting ring to deal with…

On second thought, this might turn out very poorly indeed.

It was no surprise that Mello was the second to awaken, and thus awaken everyone else. "The _fuck_ are those things?"

Near shrieked. "Rape face! Now they're going kidnap us and rape us and demand ransom, and since we're in the Malicious Mountains, no one will pay it, and we'll eventually starve to death in the dungeon amongst the rats, and our bodies will be tossed off a cliff, and in a hundred years some poor little kid will find our skeletons, and look and say, 'Oh, the poor guys, they never stood a chance!' And I don't _want_ to be put in a museum, put in a glass case for children to gock at me, 'Oh, look at how stupid they were, they couldn't escape from rapist goblins!' And then they'll put our pictures on postage stamps, coffee mugs, and mouse pads, and T-shirts, and oh, I guess that would be kind of cool but _still_-"

Personally, Matt found all of this highly doubtful. The goblins didn't seem were currently in the process of attempting to drag them below ground. Light began panicking over the way goblin skin was, Mello spewed forth a stream of obscenities which made Matt's ears actually _burn_, and Near continued his running commentary on the scene. For his part, Matt was fully content to let this play out in it's own good time, and didn't resist.

* * *

**A/N: Anyone else inspired to go hiking?**

**And bonus cookies to anyone who can identify to origins of the long monologue at the end.**


End file.
